finalflight | PSL; [YOU KNOW I LOST MY MIND]

PSL; [YOU KNOW I LOST MY MIND]

how high is too low?

[Noctis’ light had swallowed him whole.

Engulfed him like he were nothing, his power finally realized and strengthened by the chains of destiny. The King of Light wielding that selfsame weapon, as much of a pawn of the gods as he was, fulfilling his very purpose for existing. And it hurts, for a few harrying moments — it hurts, the light burrows into him and makes the Starscourge scream and he’s expelled from existence like a disease destroyed, like a plague banished from the land. The darkness fallen, his mind and spirit and his very right to exist erased. And then the pain is gone. Noctis’ light, too, wanes and becomes nothing, like him.

Then there is only nothing. And freedom — finally, after so many ages — is a release he cannot even truly appreciate.

But it doesn’t matter. He’s gone now.

* * *

Until he isn’t.

Until his body feels like it’s shuddered back into existence, so much feeling in every nerve ending. Air and dust filling his lungs. The cold press of a stone floor, dull pain across every limb, in every bone. It’s impossible, and for a moment that void of nothing is filled with fear — like a vacuum letting air in for the first time — and Ardyn jolts into consciousness. Gold eyes are wide in the shadows, fingers curling into fists, then opening, then closing, then opening again.

For those few awful moments, he is unflattering. Confused and disoriented and lost in the sensation of being alive and being without a darkness that crawls beneath his skin. It’s like gaining too much and losing a limb all at once. He might have released a desperate noise from the back of his throat, he might have had nails bite into his face as he felt the contours of his features. It’s all a great storm in his head, only slowly released.

It’s only later when the anger sets in. The frustration of his rightful end stolen from him, because this was not how it was supposed to go — he was not supposed to exist, he was not supposed to be alive. Was he alive? He felt off, strange, weak and unbalanced like the healer he used to be. The Starscourge — where was it?

Where was he?

He can’t see much of anything. It’s dark, though he swears a flicker of torchlight dances just outside the exit to this stone room of rectangular shapes and oddly purposeful placements. It reminds him of Angelgard, an unpleasant association. It reminds him of a prison, or of a tomb.

A minute more and he’s shuffling to his feet, heading towards that light. What an irony.]

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[X’rhun’s acquiescence is enough to make him dip his head down, just slightly, so that he can reach to loop the scarf around his neck. He can feel the subtle sensation as the fabric brushes against his skin, shimmering in the light like ocean waves reflecting a night sky, and he watches him all the while.

What a fitting gesture, he thinks. Close like this, like they have been — inseparable since his arrival in this world, and were it not for the forces of the universe splitting them apart, perhaps even before that, too.

Ardyn swallows against the compliment, searching for his usual degree of flippancy, to take it in stride. His success is minimal at best.]

All the better if you are the one to dress me, or so you would say.

[Their look holds there, though he tilts his head with a smile to match.]

Thank you, X’rhun. You really are such a sentimental sort. I dare say it might be starting to rub off.

[ There is a part of X’rhun that wishes to reach out and take hold of this moment, to wrap his arms around it and not let it go. There’s a warmth that’s settled between them, sitting at odds with the cold. A soft, intimate moment that is so unlike the moments they have shared in the past, kept at arm’s length by Ardyn’s high walls and X’rhun’s unwillingness to do anything that might frighten the other off.

It’s… nice.

X’rhun offers a lopsided smile in return, his fingers smoothing over the scarf, over the plane of Ardyn’s chest. ]

My sense of style is impeccable, ‘tis true.

[ A chuckle, barely more than an amused huff of air made visible in the chill of winter. Before he has a chance to think better of it, to remind himself of the careful distance he has been keeping with his feelings since Ardyn’s appearance, the miqo’te gets up on his toes again to press a brief kiss to the line of Ardyn’s jaw ].

You needn’t thank me. Perhaps I’ll get you used to the idea of Starlight yet.

[And just like that, X’rhun is lifting himself to place a kiss along his jawline, and it feels like a barrier is cracking along its edges. They have kissed before, of course — hungry things, wanting things — but this is different. Perhaps the inherent warmth is due to the cold swirling all about them, and nothing with his heartbeat colliding against his ribcage. Certainly so.

He exhales, breath curling white. The other’s scent had always been such a pleasant thing, comfortable— it felt like—]

Mm. Well. I suppose I have no complaints to levy against it today. Enjoy it while it lasts.

[—home. Since when had the other begin to feel that way to him? Where’s that old fear, has its edge been dulled with time, with a wretched Prophecy finally fulfilled?]

…Perhaps we might find ourselves someplace warmer now?

[Now that Ardyn has finished accosting X’rhun, he’s okay with heading indoors and out of the snow.]

I thought you’d never ask.

[ As loath as he is to step away from Ardyn, to break whatever spell seems to have settled over them both with the simple act of giving a gift, he is very ready to get out of this cold. In fact, retiring to their shared room with a roaring fire and a bottle of wine seems like a fine way to wrap up the evening, and he makes a note to ask the proprietress if she has such a thing on hand.

He steps away at last, allowing the cold to permeate the space between them yet again. Perhaps jokingly, perhaps not, he offers Ardyn his arm. ]

Shall we?

[He chuckles, the sound still very Ardyn-like even though it lacks its usual brand of flippancy, or patronization.

He extends his arm in turn, loops it around the crook of X’rhun’s.]

Off we go, then. Lead the way, O escort of mine, so that I might show off my new scarf for all to behold.

[Snug around his neck, a perfect memory of before and of now.]

We shall have a chat by the fire when we return.

Oh, shall we?

[ He's not entirely certain if that's a part of Ardyn's over-exaggerated jesting or not, but he supposes he'll see soon enough. As it is, there are precious little people out and about to show anything off to, most of the cityfolk having been driven indoors by the weather and the now dwindling daylight.

The true and bitter cold of nighttime has already begun to creep in as the pair pass the threshold of the Carline Canopy, the home of the city's Adventurer's Guild, finest tavern and finer inn. Mother Miounne, the kindly elezen woman who runs the place, does indeed have a bottle of wine she is willing to part with, and a pair of glasses as well. All of which X'rhun immediately deposits on a table in their room, the door swinging shut behind them.

He desperately wants to get his boots off, because someone had to go and kick snow down them. Now his socks are wet and it's the worst!! ]

Gods above, I am not suited to the winter.

[Indoors is a relief. It’s a rush of warm air that thaws their chilled limbs, as well as his face which had begun to numb in the wind. Ardyn lets this be known.]

I used to not mind it so much. But now, what a dreadful inconvenience. At least I avoided snow in my boots!

[ :)

The first thing he does is shrug off his coat, leaving himself in layers more suited for this weather. The scarf, however, pointedly stays neatly looped around his neck, the ends of its blue and shimmering material hanging loosely around his shoulders as he dips down to grasp the wine bottle by the neck. He inspects the label closely.]

I imagine this shall keep us warm enough, though?

[ Flatly, ]

Lucky you.

[ He wouldn’t have gotten snow in his boot if it weren’t for a certain someone in the first place.

But he hardly has it in him to play at being mad beyond his dry quip. They’ve not been gone long enough to see the fire in the fireplace gutter and die completely, so once X’rhun is divested of his boots, his coat, and his snow-soaked socks, he moves to add a few more logs to the waning flames.

It’s likely that the words on the bottle’s label mean very little to Ardyn – of all their many lessons on Eorzea, its wineries were not one of them – but X’rhun has been around the block enough to know what to look for. He casts a glance over his shoulder, flicking an ear in Ardyn’s direction. ]

‘Twas my thought. I hope you have no objections?

[The label truly means nothing to him, though that doesn’t mean he can’t give it a good once-over like he’s some sort of expert. A critical glance, spared for the contents within, though Ardyn does trust the other man to have taste.

So, with little to no preamble, he’s pulling the cork off while his friend tends to the fire. As the glasses are already situated on the small table before him, it’s easy to pour them both a taste. The liquid collects at the bottom of each, a deep ruby color.]

None at all. I do enjoy a nice drink and again — and now, I must admit that I am able to enjoy it much more than I once could in centuries.

[ Is it any surprise that X’rhun Tia, red mage and lover of all things crimson, prefers red wines? No, probably not. He has an image to uphold, after all. ]

I suppose I hadn’t thought of that. It ruins the fun if you cannot enjoy a drink to its fullest.

[ With the fire beginning to blaze away properly, X’rhun meanders over to pluck up one of the glasses, though he moves away just as quickly, claiming a spot on the small, plush couch that sits before the fireplace. (Perhaps he might have called in a favor or two to land them a room nicer than the Canopy’s standard fare. Worth it, he thinks.) ]

Join me?

[ Said as he pats the seat next to him. ]

You mean if you cannot get unabashedly and unashamedly drunk!

[He laughs, sinking to the cushion next X’rhun and offering him a glass of wine. True, Ardyn could have enjoyed a drink properly during his time in New Amsterdam, but he does not count that fully. Then, the Starscourge still slept in his veins, like an animal biding its time. Now, it has quit itself from his life completely.

And that has made all the difference, hasn’t it?

A thought that quiets him briefly, and when he speaks up again he’s fallen into a thoughtful sort of airy tone.]

Drinks aside, it has been quite an adventure, you know, traveling to and fro with you. Exhausting and exasperating sometimes, but overall not an experience I can or should complain about.

[ It isn’t a terribly large couch. Big enough for the two of them to sit comfortably, certainly, but not so large that there is much space between them. Space which becomes nonexistent when X’rhun lists to the side, pressing their shoulders together, wine swirling about in the glass in his hand.

All this time and Ardyn still manages to surprise him with moments of sincerity, though perhaps if he stopped to truly think about it, he would realize that, X’rhun has probably experienced the lion’s share of the other man’s sincere moments. His eyes drift up, tracing the line of Ardyn’s profile, illuminated in warm hues by the fire blazing at their feet, and he smiles. ]

Full glad am I to hear it. I admit, now that I have had the pleasure of your company on my pilgrimage, I do not know that I could do without it.

[He takes a sip of the wine after giving it a good, languid swirl or two. It’s full-bodied and possessing a tang of sweetness; a fair choice, as he expected, going down smooth.

And then-]

I suppose, though, that it is not so different than what we are used to. When we have the pleasure of sharing worlds, we often take advantage of it by sharing company, do we not?

[He looks at X’rhun, and the way his features are lit in the glow of the fire. Though his statement is not untrue, even Ardyn wonders where he is leading it, what words to form in the wake of that gift-giving moment in the snow.]

[ He, too, would like to know where this conversation is going, but the only way to do that would be to follow it wherever it may lead. He can’t imagine it being someplace especially bad, but perhaps the tender moment they’d shared in the snow has skewed his vision towards the hopeful. ]

That we do. How long has it been now?

[ Over a year at the very least, possibly closer to two by X’rhun’s reckoning, though he has lived entire months where Ardyn has spent only hours at most. ]

It has been… somewhat tumultuous at times, but I am glad to know you Ardyn.

A little more than a year, likely, if you take into account all the worlds we’ve traipsed across. A mere drop in the bucket in the grand scheme of things.

[To a man who was once immortal, that should be a flash in the pan. A flicker in his long and arduous existence, having no bearing and leaving no marks across either heart nor mind. The reality, as he knows it now, is that he cannot imagine a more poignant and welcome part of his life, not since thousands of years ago before he was burdened by his own willingness to aid his people.

What does that say about how things are now? How much has changed?

For a moment, it seems like Ardyn will say nothing more. Until he speaks up, something a little steadier in his tone.]

Do you recall when I first arrived in this world? How I thought that it would be a kind favor, indeed, if you had merely ended my life and granted me the freedom I had once vied for?

Edited 2019-12-21 01:05 (UTC)

I suppose it would be, to you, wouldn't it?

[ Still, the last year and some change has been turbulent, full of emotions and circumstances, events outside of what even their normal lives could bring. Dark labyrinths, undead dragons, and shared dreams have all played their part to forge a relationship that feels so much longer than it actually is.

X'rhun seems content to slip into comfortable silence, a glass of wine in hand and his shoulder pressed against Ardyn's in the warmth radiating from the hearth. However, that silence is not to last, and he cannot help the way he frowns, wondering just where Ardyn means to take the conversation now. ]

How could I forget? And you remember what I told you, yes? That I would do a great many things for you Ardyn, but... not that. I could never do that.

[The press of X’rhun’s shoulder against his own is a comforting thing, anchoring his words with more confidence, carving the conversation’s path ahead.]

No, I was not so foolish to ask you a second time — bleeding heart that you are.

[He takes a slow sip of his wine again, the stem grasper lightly in his hand.]

Though it is strange how all begins to shift and change with time, but only when you are there to influence its malleability. In our time of traveling, I do not think I have the desire to ever ask it all, not any longer.

[ X'rhun has all but abandoned his drink, his attention held fast by the words that seem to slip so idly from Ardyn's lips. He always harbored a fear, something deep down in the bottom of his heart that he dared not think about too long, that millennia of living a tortured life had meant that even freed from his shackles, Ardyn's one wish would always be to see his life come to an end. And there would be nothing he could do about it.

It does not escape X'rhun's attention that him admitting to the contrary is significant, and that he notes X'rhun as the cause for such a shift fills him with a strange cocktail of relief and joy, that almost ever-present warmth that unfolds behind his ribs, and something else he cannot quite name. ]

Truly?

[ Ah. It's... hope. ]

[It had crossed his mind more than once. How easy it would be to end his life now that he was mortal, and finally slip into a permanent and well-deserved rest.

But as his days with X’rhun continued, piling up atop each other like a mountain, he felt that desire ebb away. The connection between them was stoked again for the umpteenth time, with no fear of it disappearing since there was no Prophecy left to keep him chained down, nor the threat of eventually returning to his own star ending their deeply-forged acquaintance.

And for the first time in a very, very long while, it feels like the days before his fall, before he ever had to think about the burden of being king, thousands of years ago when the world was simpler, when it was just himself and those he cared about, the sun shining on his face with not a worry in the world.

Ardyn wonders, truly, how one man can hold so much emotion for him.]

Yes.

[His mouth quirks upwards, and he hums low.]

For fear of getting far too sentimental between us, might I be safe in assuming that our arrangement as it is now, is… a permanent one? If I am to cling to having a life, you have been its anchor for a while yet.

Oh, Ardyn.

[ it comes out in a chuckle. Leave it to Ardyn Izunia to shy away from sentiment even now, even with a testament to all they've been through together hanging around his neck. ]

I am happy to have you in my life, for as long as you wish to stay, but... [ he reaches over with his free hand, letting his fingers trace the fabric around Ardyn's neck ] Surely a little sentiment won't kill you.

A little sentiment is like poison to these old and ancient veins, X’rhun. You know that.

[He says it with the quirk of a smile, and yet it’s a truth that has acted as a wall between them for so long; X’rhun always trying to find a crack in the defenses, and Ardyn too fearful to surmount it.

The smile fades and his eyes drift down.]

That has always been the issue up until now. Thousands of years crafting so much anger, and so much hesitation directed at precious things that I no longer deserved. I still feel it now, you know. All of that rage, sleeping inside, even after it is over.

I would be surprised, honestly, to hear that your anger had dissipated from you as did the Starscourge. I know that it has been a part of you for so very long, and it is not a thing easily forgotten. I understand that much.

[ He toys with the ends of the scarf a moment, letting the fabric whisper between his fingers and watching the way flecks of gold catch in the firelight. His tail thumps thoughtfully against the couch. There is a Behemoth in the room, staring at them both from its corner. The selfsame one that has crowded its way into their apartment in New Amsterdam, into every camp and inn and moment they have shared since Ardyn was swept away from death and into Eorzea.

They both must surely know it’s there, yet neither of them has deigned to acknowledge it. Perhaps… perhaps the slowly turning gears of this conversation will finally bring the spotlight to bear on the damnable thing. ]

“Until now” you say. Is the great wall of your anger not so insurmountable as you thought?

[The Behemoth in the room is a creature that looms just over his shoulder. He can feel it there, breathing hot on his neck, threatening to instill hesitation in him like it always did, time and time again. X’rhun must know it is there, too. He is too keen of a man to not realize what they are slowly, carefully circling around.]

My anger fills a very wide space in me. It will always cast a shadow across my character and I do not think that is something that will ever change.

[Acknowledging it does no good. He had acknowledged it years and years in the past, that day he had accepted his fate as something twisted and accursed. Ardyn has changed too much to revert to the man he once was, filled with a kindness that killed him.]

But I think that I am willing to set it aside, to break it apart piece by piece so that it does not loom so poignantly in my heart. I— [A half scoff, half tsk with his tongue.] Do not laugh at me when I tell you what I am about to say.

[Sentiment, indeed. Still like nettles in his skin, but very necessary in this case.]

[ X’rhun would help him, he thinks. He would bear the weight of every single brick if it would dismantle the wall around Ardyn’s heard. And perhaps he has already carried some of it across his back, in his slow and meticulous prodding at Ardyn’s every defense, looking for cracks in the façade.

He parts from Ardyn for only a second – long enough to lean back and place his barely-touched wine glass on the small table at his end of the couch – and then he’s back, shoulder to shoulder, one hand resting lightly on Ardyn’s chest. ]

Have a little faith, my friend. I won’t laugh, no matter what you have to say.

[Ardyn is less subtle about setting his own wine glass down. He is of the same mind to be rid of it, though, so it sparks with red magic, shattering and tucked away in his invisible space. Laughable, really, but he’s stored far more random, questionable, or silly things in there time and time again.

Besides, this frees up his hands, one which finds itself resting on X’rhun’s arm, the other with tense fingers in his lap. The other’s warmth is welcome, his closeness a motivation to push the words out.]

When I am with you, I am reminded of times in which I had been happy. As much as I cannot return to my days of healing, I miss— [He exhales.] I miss how unburdened I felt.

[A shrug of broad shoulders.]

Perhaps that’s not fair to you, latching on an association that is unrealistic, as far as I am concerned. But you are present, and here, and in that way, you are important to me in ways I have neglected to tell you.

PSL; [YOU KNOW I LOST MY MIND]

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