PSL; [YOU KNOW I LOST MY MIND]

[daemonized]

how high is too low?

[Noctis’ light had swallowed him whole.

Engulfed him like he were nothing, his power finally realized and strengthened by the chains of destiny. The King of Light wielding that selfsame weapon, as much of a pawn of the gods as he was, fulfilling his very purpose for existing. And it hurts, for a few harrying moments — it hurts, the light burrows into him and makes the Starscourge scream and he’s expelled from existence like a disease destroyed, like a plague banished from the land. The darkness fallen, his mind and spirit and his very right to exist erased. And then the pain is gone. Noctis’ light, too, wanes and becomes nothing, like him.

Then there is only nothing. And freedom — finally, after so many ages — is a release he cannot even truly appreciate.

But it doesn’t matter. He’s gone now.

* * *

Until he isn’t.

Until his body feels like it’s shuddered back into existence, so much feeling in every nerve ending. Air and dust filling his lungs. The cold press of a stone floor, dull pain across every limb, in every bone. It’s impossible, and for a moment that void of nothing is filled with fear — like a vacuum letting air in for the first time — and Ardyn jolts into consciousness. Gold eyes are wide in the shadows, fingers curling into fists, then opening, then closing, then opening again.

For those few awful moments, he is unflattering. Confused and disoriented and lost in the sensation of being alive and being without a darkness that crawls beneath his skin. It’s like gaining too much and losing a limb all at once. He might have released a desperate noise from the back of his throat, he might have had nails bite into his face as he felt the contours of his features. It’s all a great storm in his head, only slowly released.

It’s only later when the anger sets in. The frustration of his rightful end stolen from him, because this was not how it was supposed to go — he was not supposed to exist, he was not supposed to be alive. Was he alive? He felt off, strange, weak and unbalanced like the healer he used to be. The Starscourge — where was it?

Where was he?

He can’t see much of anything. It’s dark, though he swears a flicker of torchlight dances just outside the exit to this stone room of rectangular shapes and oddly purposeful placements. It reminds him of Angelgard, an unpleasant association. It reminds him of a prison, or of a tomb.

A minute more and he’s shuffling to his feet, heading towards that light. What an irony.]

Comments

[verflair]

[ Over the course of their friendship, X'rhun has gained a talent for taking the little fragments of information Ardyn gives him and slotting them together to make a whole. But even so, there are times where he wants to hear the whole of it from Ardyn's own mouth, even if X'rhun already knows what to expect. He doesn't often get a straightforward answer, especially when it comes to Ardyn's feelings, so even he cannot say just where this conversation is going.

So he waits, he listens, as Ardyn traverses the meandering path of his thoughts and forms them into a meandering trail of words instead.

Looking back, perhaps he should have known. Perhaps the signs were there, but X'rhun has been keeping a wall of his own up. A wall of fear, fear that having his true feelings out in the open would drive Ardyn away. But then the word "love" passes Ardyn's lips, and it all crumbles in an instant.

No, this may not be grand or dramatic, but X'rhun will remember this moment for the rest of his days. ]

Oh, Ardyn.

[ Fingers flex against Ardyn's chest. Where Ardyn has to gather his courage, X'rhun finds joyous relief in no longer having to hide it, in being able to freely say, ]

I love you, too. And perhaps you already knew that, as well.

[daemonized]

[Even if they had both known, maybe in their heart of hearts where none should dare whisper about it until this moment, saying it aloud still changes the shape of their relationship. Bringing it out into the light so that they might not turn their heads away from where it had resided in shadow. Remarking on the Behemoth of the room makes that same Behemoth disappear, and it is—

—Well. He does to know how to describe it.

Freeing, in a way. Still utterly terrifying, a part of him panicked and uncertain. But moreover, he knows that it is the truth, and X’rhun smiles so wide because of it; and that alone, he thinks, makes it worth unearthing, to make permanent between them.]

Yes. [He leans towards X’rhun, his dear friend, his impossible lover, and he says—] Yes, I did, and I should not have neglected it until now. But I did not feel as if I could look at that light you give me and not believe it to be a waste.

[He kisses him then, briefly, impulsively, lips only brushing because there is more to say.]

But given a second chance, and your willingness to remain close, I know now it is not a waste at all.

[verflair]

[ Oh.

Has Ardyn ever kissed him like that before? A simple, fleeting thing, done simply because he could. A kiss without teeth, without hungry desire or the need to claim. It makes something in his chest flutter, and X’rhun suddenly feels twenty summers younger, giddy in a way that was robbed from him by time and war and the crushing weight of regret. ]

Ardyn, I… I am not sure what to say. [ He breathes out a small laugh. ] It is not often I am without words, you know, so you may want to mark the occasion.

[ A joke, a moment that allows him to gather his thoughts and try in vain to tame the rapid beating of his heart. ]

I’m glad… though that seems terribly inadequate, that you have chosen to embrace this chance you’ve been given. From the moment I found you again, a part of me was afraid that you were simply seeking another way out. So, I dared not speak about… us. I cannot say now whether or not that was the wise choice, but in the end, I suppose it doesn’t matter.

I love you, and there is nowhere I would rather be than by your side.