PSL; [YOU KNOW I LOST MY MIND]

[daemonized]

how high is too low?

[Noctis’ light had swallowed him whole.

Engulfed him like he were nothing, his power finally realized and strengthened by the chains of destiny. The King of Light wielding that selfsame weapon, as much of a pawn of the gods as he was, fulfilling his very purpose for existing. And it hurts, for a few harrying moments — it hurts, the light burrows into him and makes the Starscourge scream and he’s expelled from existence like a disease destroyed, like a plague banished from the land. The darkness fallen, his mind and spirit and his very right to exist erased. And then the pain is gone. Noctis’ light, too, wanes and becomes nothing, like him.

Then there is only nothing. And freedom — finally, after so many ages — is a release he cannot even truly appreciate.

But it doesn’t matter. He’s gone now.

* * *

Until he isn’t.

Until his body feels like it’s shuddered back into existence, so much feeling in every nerve ending. Air and dust filling his lungs. The cold press of a stone floor, dull pain across every limb, in every bone. It’s impossible, and for a moment that void of nothing is filled with fear — like a vacuum letting air in for the first time — and Ardyn jolts into consciousness. Gold eyes are wide in the shadows, fingers curling into fists, then opening, then closing, then opening again.

For those few awful moments, he is unflattering. Confused and disoriented and lost in the sensation of being alive and being without a darkness that crawls beneath his skin. It’s like gaining too much and losing a limb all at once. He might have released a desperate noise from the back of his throat, he might have had nails bite into his face as he felt the contours of his features. It’s all a great storm in his head, only slowly released.

It’s only later when the anger sets in. The frustration of his rightful end stolen from him, because this was not how it was supposed to go — he was not supposed to exist, he was not supposed to be alive. Was he alive? He felt off, strange, weak and unbalanced like the healer he used to be. The Starscourge — where was it?

Where was he?

He can’t see much of anything. It’s dark, though he swears a flicker of torchlight dances just outside the exit to this stone room of rectangular shapes and oddly purposeful placements. It reminds him of Angelgard, an unpleasant association. It reminds him of a prison, or of a tomb.

A minute more and he’s shuffling to his feet, heading towards that light. What an irony.]

Comments

[daemonized]

[It had crossed his mind more than once. How easy it would be to end his life now that he was mortal, and finally slip into a permanent and well-deserved rest.

But as his days with X’rhun continued, piling up atop each other like a mountain, he felt that desire ebb away. The connection between them was stoked again for the umpteenth time, with no fear of it disappearing since there was no Prophecy left to keep him chained down, nor the threat of eventually returning to his own star ending their deeply-forged acquaintance.

And for the first time in a very, very long while, it feels like the days before his fall, before he ever had to think about the burden of being king, thousands of years ago when the world was simpler, when it was just himself and those he cared about, the sun shining on his face with not a worry in the world.

Ardyn wonders, truly, how one man can hold so much emotion for him.]

Yes.

[His mouth quirks upwards, and he hums low.]

For fear of getting far too sentimental between us, might I be safe in assuming that our arrangement as it is now, is… a permanent one? If I am to cling to having a life, you have been its anchor for a while yet.

[verflair]

Oh, Ardyn.

[ it comes out in a chuckle. Leave it to Ardyn Izunia to shy away from sentiment even now, even with a testament to all they've been through together hanging around his neck. ]

I am happy to have you in my life, for as long as you wish to stay, but... [ he reaches over with his free hand, letting his fingers trace the fabric around Ardyn's neck ] Surely a little sentiment won't kill you.

[daemonized]

A little sentiment is like poison to these old and ancient veins, X’rhun. You know that.

[He says it with the quirk of a smile, and yet it’s a truth that has acted as a wall between them for so long; X’rhun always trying to find a crack in the defenses, and Ardyn too fearful to surmount it.

The smile fades and his eyes drift down.]

That has always been the issue up until now. Thousands of years crafting so much anger, and so much hesitation directed at precious things that I no longer deserved. I still feel it now, you know. All of that rage, sleeping inside, even after it is over.

[verflair]

I would be surprised, honestly, to hear that your anger had dissipated from you as did the Starscourge. I know that it has been a part of you for so very long, and it is not a thing easily forgotten. I understand that much.

[ He toys with the ends of the scarf a moment, letting the fabric whisper between his fingers and watching the way flecks of gold catch in the firelight. His tail thumps thoughtfully against the couch. There is a Behemoth in the room, staring at them both from its corner. The selfsame one that has crowded its way into their apartment in New Amsterdam, into every camp and inn and moment they have shared since Ardyn was swept away from death and into Eorzea.

They both must surely know it’s there, yet neither of them has deigned to acknowledge it. Perhaps… perhaps the slowly turning gears of this conversation will finally bring the spotlight to bear on the damnable thing. ]

“Until now” you say. Is the great wall of your anger not so insurmountable as you thought?

[daemonized]

[The Behemoth in the room is a creature that looms just over his shoulder. He can feel it there, breathing hot on his neck, threatening to instill hesitation in him like it always did, time and time again. X’rhun must know it is there, too. He is too keen of a man to not realize what they are slowly, carefully circling around.]

My anger fills a very wide space in me. It will always cast a shadow across my character and I do not think that is something that will ever change.

[Acknowledging it does no good. He had acknowledged it years and years in the past, that day he had accepted his fate as something twisted and accursed. Ardyn has changed too much to revert to the man he once was, filled with a kindness that killed him.]

But I think that I am willing to set it aside, to break it apart piece by piece so that it does not loom so poignantly in my heart. I— [A half scoff, half tsk with his tongue.] Do not laugh at me when I tell you what I am about to say.

[Sentiment, indeed. Still like nettles in his skin, but very necessary in this case.]

[verflair]

[ X’rhun would help him, he thinks. He would bear the weight of every single brick if it would dismantle the wall around Ardyn’s heard. And perhaps he has already carried some of it across his back, in his slow and meticulous prodding at Ardyn’s every defense, looking for cracks in the façade.

He parts from Ardyn for only a second – long enough to lean back and place his barely-touched wine glass on the small table at his end of the couch – and then he’s back, shoulder to shoulder, one hand resting lightly on Ardyn’s chest. ]

Have a little faith, my friend. I won’t laugh, no matter what you have to say.

[daemonized]

[Ardyn is less subtle about setting his own wine glass down. He is of the same mind to be rid of it, though, so it sparks with red magic, shattering and tucked away in his invisible space. Laughable, really, but he’s stored far more random, questionable, or silly things in there time and time again.

Besides, this frees up his hands, one which finds itself resting on X’rhun’s arm, the other with tense fingers in his lap. The other’s warmth is welcome, his closeness a motivation to push the words out.]

When I am with you, I am reminded of times in which I had been happy. As much as I cannot return to my days of healing, I miss— [He exhales.] I miss how unburdened I felt.

[A shrug of broad shoulders.]

Perhaps that’s not fair to you, latching on an association that is unrealistic, as far as I am concerned. But you are present, and here, and in that way, you are important to me in ways I have neglected to tell you.

[verflair]

[ All right, he does laugh, but only a chuckle at the way in which Ardyn decides to rid himself of his wine glass. The innkeep will be wanting that back, but that’s something for another time.

He had once thought to himself that he and Ardyn are not characters in a pretty love story. That there was to be no saccharine romance between them, no grand declarations of love, and indeed the same holds true even now. But somehow, this quiet and stumbling moment feels right, given all they have been through. ]

So tell me.

[ Address the Behemoth in the room, Ardyn. ]

[daemonized]

[A quiet and stumbling moment, indeed. But Ardyn cannot say what he needs to, not when ensconced in a moment of dramatics, or excitement, or emotions reaching an all-time high. It is too easy to find an escape route when there are distractions to cling to and deflect with.

The quiet lets him think. Forces in eloquent words off his tongue, because he has no choice. It is just him, X’rhun, and trying to put words to the memories between them.]

I— [The sentence sticks, but his stubbornness pushes it through.]

What I feel for you is deep and invasive and always present. It distracts me, all throughout the day, to the point where I might call it madness and not be too far off the mark.

But it frees me, too, all the same. Makes me feel like I might be a different man, some days. Do you know how impossible that should be?

[Gods, where is he going with this?]

What I am trying to say is that I think I have been in love with you for a while. Perhaps you already knew that much, but I need to say it before I lose all semblance of courage.

[verflair]

[ Over the course of their friendship, X'rhun has gained a talent for taking the little fragments of information Ardyn gives him and slotting them together to make a whole. But even so, there are times where he wants to hear the whole of it from Ardyn's own mouth, even if X'rhun already knows what to expect. He doesn't often get a straightforward answer, especially when it comes to Ardyn's feelings, so even he cannot say just where this conversation is going.

So he waits, he listens, as Ardyn traverses the meandering path of his thoughts and forms them into a meandering trail of words instead.

Looking back, perhaps he should have known. Perhaps the signs were there, but X'rhun has been keeping a wall of his own up. A wall of fear, fear that having his true feelings out in the open would drive Ardyn away. But then the word "love" passes Ardyn's lips, and it all crumbles in an instant.

No, this may not be grand or dramatic, but X'rhun will remember this moment for the rest of his days. ]

Oh, Ardyn.

[ Fingers flex against Ardyn's chest. Where Ardyn has to gather his courage, X'rhun finds joyous relief in no longer having to hide it, in being able to freely say, ]

I love you, too. And perhaps you already knew that, as well.

[daemonized]

[Even if they had both known, maybe in their heart of hearts where none should dare whisper about it until this moment, saying it aloud still changes the shape of their relationship. Bringing it out into the light so that they might not turn their heads away from where it had resided in shadow. Remarking on the Behemoth of the room makes that same Behemoth disappear, and it is—

—Well. He does to know how to describe it.

Freeing, in a way. Still utterly terrifying, a part of him panicked and uncertain. But moreover, he knows that it is the truth, and X’rhun smiles so wide because of it; and that alone, he thinks, makes it worth unearthing, to make permanent between them.]

Yes. [He leans towards X’rhun, his dear friend, his impossible lover, and he says—] Yes, I did, and I should not have neglected it until now. But I did not feel as if I could look at that light you give me and not believe it to be a waste.

[He kisses him then, briefly, impulsively, lips only brushing because there is more to say.]

But given a second chance, and your willingness to remain close, I know now it is not a waste at all.

[verflair]

[ Oh.

Has Ardyn ever kissed him like that before? A simple, fleeting thing, done simply because he could. A kiss without teeth, without hungry desire or the need to claim. It makes something in his chest flutter, and X’rhun suddenly feels twenty summers younger, giddy in a way that was robbed from him by time and war and the crushing weight of regret. ]

Ardyn, I… I am not sure what to say. [ He breathes out a small laugh. ] It is not often I am without words, you know, so you may want to mark the occasion.

[ A joke, a moment that allows him to gather his thoughts and try in vain to tame the rapid beating of his heart. ]

I’m glad… though that seems terribly inadequate, that you have chosen to embrace this chance you’ve been given. From the moment I found you again, a part of me was afraid that you were simply seeking another way out. So, I dared not speak about… us. I cannot say now whether or not that was the wise choice, but in the end, I suppose it doesn’t matter.

I love you, and there is nowhere I would rather be than by your side.