sephiroth, “tol alien boy”, SOLDIER first class. (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
supersoldier) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
finalflight2020-05-14 12:15 pm
supersoldier) wrote in finalflight2020-05-14 12:15 pm
supersoldier) wrote in finalflight2020-05-14 12:15 pm
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He isn’t good at this. He never was — emotions were always so hard to untangle for him, and so he kept them wound up inside, partitioned behind a cold demeanor and detached interest. Cloud had managed to sneak past those defenses, but perhaps he made Sephiroth’s emotional core all the more difficult to traverse, regardless of how welcome his presence was all those years ago.
Now, he finds it’s just as impossible to traverse as before. He’s had years to figure out what to say, but spent no time weaving the words together into something coherent.]
No. It had nothing to do with you, not in the way you’re thinking.
[Cloud’s offense was that he had been close, when his life felt like it had been upended, when everything was perceived as wrong and false. When he needed to detach himself from it all and just get away.]
I needed time after everything I had learned about my family was a lie. I felt like my whole world was false, everything I knew thrown into chaos. I couldn’t stay with Shinra. I couldn’t stay in this city.
[His eyes fix on Cloud’s face.]
Nothing I say will fix what’s already happened. ...Are you happy with him?
[With Rufus.]
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[omitting the truth is one thing, yes, but a lie? unlikely to happen.]
[cloud meets his eyes, a stubborn kind of defiance in his own, always present.]
No, it won't, but you didn't have to run away by yourself. I could have helped. I would have understood— [the question about his happiness cuts him short, and cloud takes his hand back. he looks back inside to the party, at how rufus looks so oblivious over the fact that cloud is not there to celebrate with him. so, with an easy shrug,] I like this dog.
[then back to sephiroth.]
What would you do if I was happy with him? Am I anything to you anymore?
[this family crisis that sephiroth is talking about, cloud wants to know more, but he needs to earn it, it feels.]
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...He likes his dog. A non-committal answer, and he doesn’t know how he’s supposed to take that.]
Would you want me to leave you alone if you were happy with him? [He counters.] Have you moved on completely from me, Cloud? After what I did?
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[an unfair question.]
[cloud shakes his head, taking a step back and keeping his arms crossed, averting his gaze from sephiroth altogether. another champagne pops inside, cheering getting louder.]
I don't know.
[is what he says instead to the stillness of the night sky out here.]
It's complicated, and expecting me to give you an answer right now — that's unfair. But I've got to know. Were you going to look for me, now that you've made it back? Or were you going to throw yourself into work and hope you'd never have to run into me again?
[he needs more; he won't put himself in a vulnerable spot again without knowing that sephiroth has as much to risk.]
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...I wasn't going to look for you. I thought that part of myself long buried in the past, left there by my own accord.
[There is no point in lying about it. It's like Cloud said; Sephiroth does not weave lies for avoidance's sake. He was never that kind of man.]
But now that you're here... [He doesn't know.] I don't know anymore. [He can't leave it hanging at that. Both of them not knowing how to proceed, stuck in this mire of uncertainty.] Even if we cannot be what we were before, we were... friends first. Is it too much to ask for the same again?
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[his throat is tight at the request, so he just bites the inside of his cheek as he keeps his gaze away from the other. sephiroth hardly ever shows emotion or makes requests that would otherwise put him in a vulnerable position. cloud knows, perhaps better than anyone, how lonely it's always been for him - how sephiroth built up walls to keep others away, when in fact he was starved for someone who cared for him as a person, not as someone with a celebrity status.]
[cloud nods briskly, his voice coming out quieter than he intends.]
Maybe.
[and it's almost funny how he keeps reaching forward for the other - thrice now - with his hand, grabbing tightly at the lapel of sephiroth's suit.]
Welcome back. Asshole.
[ok, sephiroth deserves to be shit on for a bit longer.]
[cloud remains as he is, poised with his head looking down, focused on the texture of the fabric under his fingers. it's something of a nervous action, uncertain of all the things he wishes to say but also doesn't want to. not right now anyway.]
I have some of your belongings. I could... drop them off some day.
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Until now. Now, standing here, with Cloud curling his fingers around his jacket lapel, it rushes back into him, that old feeling of knowing what it was like to have someone stand next to you, understand you, know what you were really like despite the show you put on for the world.
He feels his heart twisting in his chest. Friends. It’s more than what he deserves, and maybe still not enough, but he’ll not test what grace is given to him now.
Welcome back. Asshole. His lips twitch.]
You could. I would be appreciative. I am, that you kept anything of mine for so long.
[The cheering inside continues, bubbling into lower laughter and the buzz of conversation.]
I'm glad to see you again, Cloud.
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[and he lets go of his clothes in that same breath, drawing back and stuffing hands into his pockets. he notices rufus looking around amidst the conversations he's keeping up with, and a pang of guilt builds up. it's so unfair; he had moved on, he was willing to just let things be, see how they panned out.]
[with a hand, he waves over his shoulder as he starts making his way inside.]
[there's really not much else for him to say — and so cloud returns back to the bar, where his drink was held for him, and he's soon found by rufus who wants to have a toast together, all in his excitement over finally, finally achieving what he's wanted for years. cloud tries his best to keep up appearances, knowing that he's got to try and make it for most of the party.]
[he doesn't try to find sephiroth again, being incredibly obvious at keeping his gaze centered in the area right in front of him.]
[it is weeks later when he sets foot again in the shinra building. it's weird to think that he worked here, once, but now he has access to it as rufus's partner. he doesn't have access to everything, of course, but enough access that he can find himself to sephiroth's office. his old one, just like it had been before, and it's only the sound of wheels on polished floor that foretell his arrival, as cloud pushes the door open and allows himself in, suitcase trailing behind him.]
Hey.
[it's better to just — do this as normal as possible. the door closes behind him as he sets the suitcase to stand upright in the middle of the room.]
I should've called, but Lara outside said you weren't in a meeting. So.
[papers strewn across his desk, books and reports, and yet he looks so immaculate, like none of it disturbs him.]
...sorry if you are. Busy.
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He focus falters from it sometimes. In the quiet moments of his days, he is always thinking back to him. Wondering if he should try to reach out again or if their hope of keeping up a friendship had been wishful thinking under a starless sky. So when Cloud arrives without preamble, lugging in a suitcase and standing there in his office like something summoned from his own mind, Sephiroth stares for a long moment.
And then remembers himself.]
No. No, I’m not busy. I just wasn’t expecting you.
[He stands and moves towards him, towards the suitcase, too, planted there on the floor.]
Are these...?
[His things?]
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[he finishes sephiroth's sentence with a nod of his head, stepping back as the other steps forward. this is when cloud settles onto one of the cushioned chairs and pretty much slumps into it. he rubs at his forehead with a hand, feeling tension building up. a lot's been happening lately, with rufus's takeover as president, sephiroth coming back, some complications in tifa's bar...]
[it's all a lot, and cloud hasn't been sleeping well. he hasn't had a conversation with rufus that's led to anything resembling what they had before. he's changed and it just—]
[cloud huffs and sits up, looking over at the suitcase.]
Some of your jackets are in there. Uniform. Books, too. Your journals. That chess set that cost way too much money for its worth, and you never actually used. [he raises an eyebrow.] "It's not for playing," right?
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[—he echoes, nostalgia wrapping itself into his thoughts. Sephiroth bends down slightly to unzip the suitcase just enough, a lock of silver hair sliding over his shoulder. He dips his hand in and pulls out the first thing his fingers touch — an old book. Fiction. The rare crime thriller in his repertoire of mostly military history and political intrigue. He turns it over in his hands.]
I remember this. I...
[The words fall off his lips when he lifts his eyes to look at Cloud, and suddenly it becomes all too obvious how tired he looks, slumped into his office sofa and under the fluorescent light fixtures.]
...What is it?
[Ever the observant one. Is being here already too much, he wonders? Maybe he’s being foolish, even entertaining this moment between them.]
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[the sudden attention on himself, however, has cloud very much feeling like he's on the spotlight. it's embarrassing how nice it feels that someone's noticed, but it also shows how easy it is for him to just let himself be around the other; no pretenses, no putting up appearances.]
[nothing really ever escapes sephiroth's scrutiny, after all.]
It's just a lot. [he sighs out, shaking his head and hand before sephiroth can think it's about this, them.] It feels like I'm trying to keep shit together when the world wants to spin out of orbit anyway. [he frowns, leaning forward and resting elbows to his knees.] I'm not sure I'm willing to keep up with how some things are changing. Stresses me out and then— [pointing at his head] you know. Keeps me up at night, can't concentrate the next day.
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Your headaches. They're still as bad as they were.
[He remembers them. Annoyances when they were kind, reasons for depriving Cloud of a night's sleep when they were not.]
And when you say how things are changing, do you mean Rufus Shinra's new role as President?
[And how...? Cloud does not work here, so he does not feel the transformative policies and changes being rolled out from top to bottom, but instead from a more... personal standpoint?
A frown crosses his features, but he lets him reply first.]
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[it's the rufus question that has cloud... tense up.]
[sitting back, he crosses his arms and looks like he's struggling to come up with an answer.]
You asked me why him before. [this really is shitty] It was a coincidence we met, and we became friends. We got close. He was idealistic and had a vision different to his father's. We got together about seven months ago, but... he's changed, since he's become president. He's not— [ugh, he puts a hand to his forehead and leans into it] Talking to you about my partner when we had a history ourselves, this is a new low. [a pause...] He doesn't know. About us.
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His brow is furrowed and the line of his jaw tight, but his voice is as schooled as ever.]
He doesn’t have to. About then or now.
[He says it immediately, then pauses, to clarify.]
The past is none of his business. And we’re not doing anything wrong in the present. You don’t have to feel ashamed to talk about him to me, Cloud. I want to know how you’re doing after all this time. And…
[He shakes his head, reaching to put his book down on his desk.]
Things are different here, too. His policies are almost purposefully opposite of his father’s. Rufus has always been an ambitious man, but now that he has the power to see them come to light… Are you really surprised that he’s changed?
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[besides, politics is not his forte. it's never been.]
I don't know. I guess I never thought... [he let's his words linger. it's terrifying, really. when sephiroth left abruptly, cloud felt like he didn't know him anymore. to think that he doesn't really know rufus much anymore, it says volumes about him, doesn't it? he curls hands into a fist on his lap, keeps his eyes level.] I didn't expect to hold on to these feelings after so long, still.
[what is he talking about?]
[his lips thin into a line, and he turns his face away.]
I don't think I can like what he's become.
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However, the words forming on his tongue die when Cloud mentions feelings that cannot fade after all this time. Electricity sparks in his chest, and he tells it to quiet itself, to stop—
But he has to chase faster it, to clarify.]
What feelings?
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...you left suddenly. We never broke up. I didn't care for you any less from one day to the next, so when you left without a word—it hurt. And the feelings remained.
[he waves his hand about a bit, motioning towards them.]
It's not like they ever went away either. Maybe I was only thinking about them because of how shit it felt. Who knows. I thought I had moved on, after all this time, but I just... [he lets his hand fall on the couch, on the space between them.] I haven't stopped thinking about you. Since that night.
And I should give you a hard time for what you did, and I should hate you for it. But I can't. It's — not fair, Sephiroth.
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He should be a better man; he should drop it, ease out of this line of thinking, give advice about Rufus without tying it back to him.
But he can’t. Maybe that makes him an even worse person, or maybe he never truly let go, even if he was the one to leave.]
Then what is it you want? Between us.
[His eyes trail down Cloud’s hand, and if he reached out to take it, he wonders if it would bridge inches of the miles-long distance between them. Sephiroth remains still all the same.]
Pretend the President isn’t a consideration.
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It's Tifa's suitcase, so I'll need it back.
[his back to sephiroth, he returns to the suitcase and then reaches down for one of the jackets. he grabs hold of it—and remains otherwise unmoving. thinking.]
[what does he want?]
[he doesn't know. he's been hurt once before, and bad, but could he just set it to the side? build something from that, see if the pain he feels right now can be replaced with something good?]
I miss you. [is what he settles on, holding tighter onto the jacket, like it anchors him in some way.] I miss your touch, and talking to you, and just... your being there. Like you could care less about anything else, but I meant something. [it's laughable, he thinks, shaking his head and looking down, rising to his feet again and folding the jacket into its middle and just holding on to it against his front.] You showed me I could belong, and then you just...
[what does he want? the answer is clear, but admitting it is just leagues beyond him.]
deletes this thread
And yet he finds himself standing, approaching. His hand coming to Cloud’s shoulder to turn him, to make him—]
Look at me.
[Either way, Sephiroth will end up in his vision, and he lifts his hand, pausing, unsure, just a whisper against the curve of Cloud’s jawline.]
I left you; I hurt you. I made a mistake, and I don’t expect forgiveness— but every day, I regret it. In those five years, there were times when I thought I could forget about you entirely and live with my decision, but then I would dream about you like it was a punishment and I wasn’t allowed to—
[Sephiroth pauses, realizing that his sentence is running too long. He needs to avoid sounding desperate, because this isn’t about him. He should have learned that long ago.
Emotion is churning behind green eyes, kept locked behind Sephiroth’s wavering willpower. He’s quiet, and his hand finally brushes across the warmth of Cloud’s cheek. Fond and longing— but dangerous, wherever this road could lead.]
You could come back to me.
[Selfish. He knows it.]
🔪
[and he speaks, freely, something he hadn't done, and something cloud remembers five years ago—of finally pushing past that inability to express each other fruitfully.]
[what sephiroth says is enough to have cloud's eyes widen in a slow bound understanding.]
[then there's his touch, and words that speak of a suggestion but really imply more. a selfish desire, perhaps a request, even. a decision that the two of them ought to make together. it's so tenuous, because cloud already feels like he's tipping towards terrible decisions anyway, and the brush of knuckles over his cheek is enough to pull him over.]
[cloud lets the jacket fall to their feet as he raises his hands to put around the curve of sephiroth's neck, behind his head, and bring him down to meet him halfway. their lips meet, and cloud does not care. his chest bursts with feeling, with an emotion long since buried but which very well still remained there, grossly frozen in time out of a means to protect himself more so than anything else.]
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His heart is going to burst.
It is going to spill over with the longing built up over the years, emotion barely kept leashed since he saw him that night at the party. The world comes to a standstill and lurches beneath his feet at the same time. Sephiroth’s hand drops from the other man’s face, smoothing over his shoulder, and slides behind his back to secure him in place. To make certain he will not slip away from this one moment that has him wondering, if just for a second, if he could be dreaming again.
He closes his eyes, leans in, and turns it into a proper kiss. It’s eager, but he doesn’t care. He missed him, so much, and it would be wrong to not let him know.
He kisses him until he must breathe, pulling away only to fill his lungs with Cloud’s scent.]
You should warn me first.
[And it’s a breathless joke, on the dizzied tail of a realization that he’s just negated something he told Cloud moments before.
The past is none of his business. And we’re not doing anything wrong in the present.
So much for that.]
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[he holds on to it, even as sephiroth pulls back and cloud blinks his eyes open.]
You'd never warn me.
[his hands hold tight onto his shirt, as he stares up at sephiroth, and there is no remorse or hesitation in his eyes, no post-realization that he shouldn't be doing this.]
[it's after a moment that he lifts his hands up, to push back sephiroth's silver bangs out of the way and over his shoulders. his thumbs gently pressing on his brow, down the line of his cheekbones, dipping down until they rest against the tie wound around his shirt. and cloud tugs—pulls—insistent, stubborn, and nothing more.]
It'll take you a million years to make it up to me. No, a trillion.
[and that nothing becomes, without preamble, into another kiss—pushy, really.]
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He’s reminded of that florid obsession with his body, his presence so close to him, in the kiss he’s given. Demanding, immediate, and yes, pushy. Sephiroth’s fingers press harder into his back, and his other hand cups his side as he allows Cloud’s lips to subsume him. He returns the favor, slipping his tongue into his mouth, humming a low sound of impatience that reverberates from the hollow of his throat.
And his reservations, too, fade away like something bleached too long under the sun.
He severs the kiss only to breathe and to reply, and even then their lips are barely parted. His breath brushes against the corner of Cloud’s mouth, and heat radiates between them.]
Every moment of mine is yours. [His lips quirk, and he finds that he’s smiling.] A trillion years, if that’s what you demand from me. I owe you more than that.
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