finalflight | PSL; [It's bigger than us, it's bigger than everything]

[Hank’s the only one who’s ever asked him that before. What does he want to do? What is he supposed to do with his newfound freedom that they’re trying their best to snatch from the jaws of CyberLife? Uncertainty bubbles up within him again, that telltale fear of not knowing which he had expressed to Hank in inelegant terms not so long ago. He tamps it down, tells it to stay quiet for now. He wants to give thought to this, but the answer keeps looping back around to the same thing. The same set of preferences.]

I… liked what I did before. [Strange, too, feeling like he’s allowed to say that he wholeheartedly likes something. That he can entertain the idea of choice beyond just middling, throwaway preferences.]

Not specifically cases revolving around deviants but… [A beat.] Finding inconsistencies, discovering leads, analyzing a scene to see if I could locate the one thing that would make it all come together. There was something satisfying about it, beyond just filling the requirements of my assigned task.

[A shrug of his shoulders, something in the curve of his back going slack as he leans against the seat.]

I realize that’s ironic. That my preferences still align with CyberLife’s inherent design for the RK800 model. Maybe some parts of me will never be as autonomous as I like.

My mom wanted me to be a hard worker.

[Hank's words are a little clearer, not really wholly awake still but more focused, now that they've stumbled onto a topic that feels genuinely important.]

Good study habits, being proactive with uh, work and assignments and all that stuff, extra curricular shit. Had friends who hated it, really hated their parents for that, for pushin them. But I... I don't know. It fit. That was me for a long time.

[He shrugs.]

Can't help what you know. And if you like what you know, that's good, isn't it? 's like taking something back from them, taking that RK800 shit and just, doing whatever you want with it.

…You’re probably right about that.

[There’s only so much that he can change about himself, about how he was built. A part of him wants to disassociate with that; to view every little designed feature of his appearance, of his interior, as his own. But the rest of him knows that this isn’t reasonable. What he defines as his own analytical mind still has — and always will — CyberLife’s fingerprints all over it.

A bit like human genetics, maybe. Nature versus nurture. The ability to define who you are in life, versus the limitations of what you’re literally made of.]

Did you always know that you wanted to work for the police?

Around high school 's when I decided on it. I, uh...

[He shifts around to look down, pulling a wry, embarrassed kind of face at the armrest between them.]

I wanted to, uh, to prove something, I guess. Something about cops or, authority, or something. I wanted to do something good, change shit from the inside.

[He huffs - again, not a particularly amused noise.]

I don't know, I was young. It was that part of it I wanted, changing something, being, uh- I guess I always knew that part of it, that I wanted to be someone who could do that.

I guess you're making it easier on yourself than I did, wanting to do something just 'cause you want to do it. Realistic goal setting, and all. Who knows, we might still be able to figure out a way for you to do it. Bet we could. That'd be nice.

[That explanation, maybe, doesn’t surprise Connor. It aligns with what he knows about the sort of man Hank used to be; applauded and accoladed, working hard and moving up fast in the ranks of the DPD. Motivation of a great sort, pushing him forward. Individuals with something to achieve worked in that way — a mindset wanting to prove something and feeling satisfied because of it.]

My reasoning behind wanting to work with the police doesn’t invalidate yours. [Never mind talk about himself. He feels like his is more important to clarify. Even if Hank always shies away from it.] Wanting to incite change is important.

[Markus, leading a revolution for the sake of his people. Hank, throwing everything away for Connor, so he could force himself out of terrified denial and act as free person.

Connor, who was content to remain a stagnant machine until he was no longer needed, simply because he wasn't brave enough to do otherwise.]

Don’t discredit yourself in that way.

[Hank makes a disgusted, dismissive noise, tightening his arms around his chest.]

It's not discrediting, it's just - you can do what you want to do, that's all I'm saying. I'm not like- down on myself, or anything, it's just history. I'm just talking about history. You can do what you wanna do or you can't, that's all. I'm not trying to, like, make a dick measuring contest out of our life's dreams, or anything. I wouldn't treat your- your life that way, you know that.

[Hank lifts his head, finally, to scowl at Connor, and also maybe kind of sort of to check on whether his try at shifting the focus back on Connor worked as well as he hopes it did. They're not talking about Hank's failures, no way, even half asleep - maybe less than half, now - he is way too sober to be talking about that.]

[Connor looks at him, and at this point he’s unsurprised to hear Hank’s reaction.]

That isn’t at all the point I was trying to make. But I think you know that — you always deflect, Lieutenant.

[Not down on himself, he said. Connor wants to say he’s never heard something so inaccurate before, but he’s not feeling snippy this time. Only his usual mode of quiet, underlying exasperation.]

I was paying you a compliment. You should accept it, for once.

'm not a lieutenant anymore.

[He says it a little because it's true, a lot because he wants to buy himself a little time. And of course he can't keep looking at Connor while they talk about this, of course he can't, so he shuffles up straighter in his seat and twists to look at Sumo instead.]

And I can accept a compliment just fine, if I hear one that makes sense. I know there's a lot of shit you haven't got a hang of yet, but you don't compliment a guy for, I don't know, writing a big check to some charity if his check bounces, that's not how it works. Admire someone who's actually done something or, I don't know, find something to say about me that's actually true, then I'll be right there with you, okay?

[More pushback, more deflection — textbook, really. Connor wishes Hank weren’t so stubborn; but then again, so is he.]

So you’re saying that it doesn’t make sense for me to say that the sort of man you were then is still reflected in the sort of man you are now? Look at what you’re doing for me, Hank. [See, no “Lieutenant”.] You can’t possibly say that’s true.

[Hank hooks his chin over the side of the headrest to make up for the way he's sagging, for the way that hackles-up, defensive feeling is pretty much deflating out of him. The easiest way to argue that, see, is to say that trying to save Connor isn't good, isn't worth doing, and Hank's not going to do that. Hank doesn't even consider doing it.]

The guy I was- He's not exactly someone you should be counting on, either. I mean, you know how he ended up. Just, don't thank me for doing anything for you yet, okay? Not until you're safe. Not until you've actually got something to thank me for.

[No. That’s not acceptable either. Connor looks at Hank’s profile, as if trying to draw his gaze towards him — it doesn’t seem to work, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to look away. If he needs to hammer this home, then he will. He should.

(They won’t know what the next day will bring them. Connor might not survive it, his freedom cut short by CyberLife’s sudden wrath. Or a failed revolution where androids were already beginning to be recalled, destroyed. There’s nothing to say that won’t be him sooner rather than later. Surely Hank knows that.)]

No. I want to thank you. You deserve it. And if for some reason I can’t be free, or I don’t make it out of this, I don’t want you to think that you were wrong for trying. That you’re not doing good right now by aiding me.

I’d rather die than be under CyberLife’s thumb again. Than to be a mindless machine. No matter what happens, you’re doing me a favor.

[Hank's breathing hard now, looking back at Sumo but not really seeing him, uncurling one arm to grab onto the side of the seat. He blinks a few times, hard - not, this time, because he's tired. He shakes his head, mute for a few seconds, and forces the view in front of him not to blur.]

You're not gonna die. We'll figure something out. That'll really be something worth thanking me for, won't it, and then we won't even have to have this argument. You're gonna be just, just fine. Okay?

You don’t know that.

[Of course Connor wants to believe it. Of course Connor will try his damnedest to survive, to be free, to keep them both safe. But there are no guarantees. They’ve both worked enough deviant cases to know that things aren’t so easy for those trying to hide from authority. They've been on that other side.

There’s definitely a reaction from Hank, now. If he were not trying so hard to impress a point upon the man, he’d stop and analyze it — maybe even lift his foot off of the proverbial gas a little. But a reaction is better than a dismissal, and so Connor continues.]

I just want you to know, without a doubt, that you have my gratitude.

[This part, however, is worthy of a pause before he pushes the words out:]

I don’t want you to drown yourself in guilt all over again if something does happen to me, Hank.

[At the word gratitude Hank makes a little noise. Not any noise in particular, just the kind of noise you make when, say, you cut yourself unexpectedly, a little sound escaping him.]

I don't make promises I can't keep, Connor. Not any more. Sorry.

[And he knows it's a possibility - hell, a probability. Hank knows things probably aren't going to go well for them here. He's been thinking it, admitting it to himself, and he could handle it okay, thinking that. But now, hearing Connor say it, hearing him say it because he wants Hank to know it was worth something- There's just something about it. He can admit it to himself, sure, how things could go. But he won't say it out loud. And he won't lie to Connor, either. Not right now.]

[Connor sets his jaw at that rebuttal. Sits for a moment, feeling the need to do something with his hands, but willfully and stubbornly lets them lay unmoving in his lap.]

I appreciate the sentiment. And I don’t want you to think that I’m not going to try my best to see this through to the end, either. But that’s not a promise you can keep. That either of us can keep.

[He shakes his head.]

You’re impossibly stubborn. I wish you’d just accept what I’m telling you.

[Hank makes that same little noise again, a noise that'd wanted to be amusement but got kind of tripped up in all the other shit building in him. He ducks his head and presses the heel of a hand into an eye and stays that way.]

Takes one to know one.

[His voice comes out strangled and cracking and Hank takes a second, swallowing, to try and straighten it out.]

I just- I can't, okay? I'm not- I can't see things like you do, I... I can't handle things like you can.

What you're seeing is what you get, Connor. Sorry.

[Is he being unfair? For a moment, he wonders — Hank is right, he doesn’t process emotions the same way as Connor. Connor barely knows how to process emotion at all, so much that it’s now easier to let it all fall to his feet instead of keeping it bundled up tight in his chest, like he used to.

But his friend needs to know that he’s doing something good, because he’s inclined to be a good person. Because Connor might not always be around to tell him that.]

You think I’m processing any of this better than you? I’m afraid of what might happen, too. But that's all the more reason to tell you this.

Then you are processing it better, Connor. Cause you can think that and it pushes you, but me- If I can't deal with what you want me to in the first place, what makes you think making it a last request is going to help? Cause if you don't make it-

[Hank breathes, and wipes his hand in a sudden jerking movement across his eyes, and tilts his head back, breathing and staring up at the ceiling of the car.]

Just- Don't make it about that, okay? Don't.

Edited 2018-08-27 18:52 (UTC)

I wasn’t—

[Trying to make it about that. Trying to pry an acceptance out of Hank based on the fear of Connor’s death, or something similar. He’s not that manipulative, not with Hank.]

That wasn’t an image I was trying to put in your head.

[He watches him closely. The way Hank wipes at his eyes — that threatens to send guilt careening through his insides with its sharp edges scraping across every surface.]

Sorry, Lieutenant.

I know it wasn't.

[Hank takes slow breaths and blinks up at the ceiling, watching it blur.]

You just really want me to... to just say 'you're welcome' or something like that, right?

[His face twists a little, surprised at that plain assessment of what he would want.]

No. I want you to feel decent about doing good. About helping me.

[Connor can’t help but lean into his programming, tossing out a rudimentary scan of Hank. The results aren’t promising.]

...I’ve upset you more than I intended.

[When Connor says 'doing good' Hank closes his eyes, then hurriedly ducks his head and turns away, rubbing his hand over his face.]

Nah, it's uh, there's a lot there to upset. I know it's simple stuff, it's just- This is why I don't talk about shit, it starts out simple and then I make it weird. It's fine. It's not like you even want that much.

[He huffs very quietly, almost amused, as he realizes it -]

Guess not everything you want's that uh, that realistic, after all. You might have to come up with something else to want, for a while.

[He’s transitioned to closely watching Hank’s body language, and if there is one way to make Connor feel terrible about all that he’s said, this is how it’s done. He loses all hold of what he was going to retort with, whatever sentences were formulating in his mind, and some hilariously tiny part of him whispers — When did you become so bad at this? Made to read a room, made to lead a conversation in a direction before the other knows about it? Look at what’s happened now, despite all of that.]

I’m sorry. [-he repeats himself, and lordy, look at how he backpedals so hard. For all his stubbornness, this is how it completely unwinds itself and becomes useless.] Are you crying?

[Hank huffs, disbelieving and, you know what? Sort of actually, genuinely amused. Only Connor, huh?]

You know you're not supposed to ask people that, right?

[He's still turned away - as much as you can in a car anyway, so, not that much - but he kind of smiles, and rubs a hand quick and hard against the corner of one eye since Connor's blown his clever pretense out of the water.]

You're supposed to just like, pretend you don't know what you know and let things be awkward till they get their shit together.

I… Sorry.

[-he repeats uselessly for the third time. Another silence settles in, with Connor’s LED furiously betraying the fact that he’s trying to gather up just what to say.]

Take the time that you need.

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